Mama...

Before what remains of you is gone forever, I want you to know how much you meant to all of us. From the moment I met you, when I was fourteen, you became a constant in my life, and I was closer to you than I was to my own grand-mother.

As much grief as I felt when I found out that you'd died, I know that it's nothing in comparison to what your family must have felt. The ties of blood are weak ones in comparison to the bonds built between people who spend their entire lives taking care of each other, and to have those bonds broken so suddenly must have been devastating.

I hope that you'll forgive me for not having been to see you for three weeks before you died, and I hope that one day I can grow up to be as amazing a mother (and grandmother) as you've been.

If all the good deeds that we do in life are reflected back on us at it's end, I know that there's no way that, wherever you are, you aren't happy right now.

We love you, mama, and we'll miss you.

Stupid Questions I'll Never Be Brave Enough To Ask (2)

Seriously, what is up with Sesshoumaru and Rin? Is it like a father/daughter relationship? A I'm-gonna-marry/sleep-with-you-when-you're-old-enough type thing? Like WHAT is going on??

If I ever meet Rumiko Takahashi in person that will be the first thing I ever ask her! I'll also be telling her that I fully expect at least three more COMPLETED manga series from her (NOT including Rin-ne), before she dies.

Bitch, I don't care if you're fifty-seven! Guess you better get a move on then!

The Love Between Friends...

...Often feels suspiciously like hatred.

Passive Magic

Surely, I'm cursed. Or else, I just need new friends. Why is it that whenever I need my friends to be there for me on something, they can't, or it's inconvenient, or they flake out on me? But whenever they need each other, they're perfectly willing and able to rush to each other's sides, and console each other over whatever the "Bullshit Drama of the Week" is!

That's why I'm going today, because I don't know if I'm a second class citizen in that group or whatever the case may be but I'm sick of it, and it's time to trade them in.

Secrets That Should Never Be Spoken Aloud (2)

Whenever a guy sits in front of me (like on the bus, or in the doctor's office, or whatever) and then spreads his legs (which like, ninety percent of guys do) for some reason, I feel threatened.

Maybe I'm just such an incredible snob that I feel like every single guy who does that is hitting on me?

Stupid Questions I'll Never Be Brave Enough To Ask (1)

Seriously though, how do Mermaids have sex?

Or do they just do that thing that fish do and lay their eggs and wait for some male to come along and fertilize them? If so, 1. Gross. 2. What a rip-off! And if that's true Eric must have shocked the FUCK out of Ariel on their wedding night.

Not that that makes her ANY different from any other virgin in the 1800s.

Hidden Kisses and Thimbles (1)

It strikes me that I'm quite a happy, even-tempered person...When my family isn't around to ruin it.

Today's Lesson: You'll never be happy if you let other people's emotions dictate your own.

Quote of the Day:

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

-L. Haeber

Current Music: Love Song by Simple Minds

...

It's not fair, it's not fair, it's NOT FAIR!

Grrrr...


Current Music: (Ironically) Too Bad by Nickelback

Solidarity Among Fashion Victims

I need to go shopping. I need it like I need to breathe, or eat, or have sex (the fact that I haven't yet notwithstanding). I walked into an H&M the other day with my friend and saw this GORGEOUS pair of tan loafers with a wooden heel, and I just DROOLED (while I tried them on). They sound gross, but I have no doubt that they'll continue to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen until I give birth to my first child.

I Have the Touch.

I'm hovering between two equally negative sequences of emotion right now. One just as destructive as the other. It's like someone stole my ipod... Again.

On the one hand, you kind of want tocurl up into a little ball and lose yourself to your despair, but the rational part of you won't let you, you have to take a deep breath, get up and walk around, and compose yourself like a normal person. You can't show anyone that you're two steps away from having a mental breakdown.

But maybe I deserve this. I feel like this is the karmic backlash for me being such a self-centered, sex-obsessed little bitch all the time.

Urgh, so this is one more unconscionable, unchangeable thing in my life that I'll have to pretend is fine. Nay, awesome.

But it's more than this, it's what it represents that gets to me. My own perceived inadequacy. People always say that no one can love you, unless you love yourself. And I do. But what use is loving yourself, if the people you want to love you, won't.

On an unrelated brightside, I've been having nightmares nonstop for the past few days. In most of my nightmares there's a graveyard that I can't escape from (once I dreamt that I was literally digging my own grave), but last night, for the first time in my life, I actually avoided walking INTO the graveyard in the first place.

Silly for me to place so much stock in my dreams, but maybe in some small way, this is a good thing?

It's not even funny how much I NEED to get out of here.

                  Today's Lesson: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Of course, this could all just be me being a big baby about my hurt pride...

Yeah, probably.
Current Music: I Have the Touch by Heather Nova

Malice

So it turns out that my initials (MM) not only stand for my name, they also stand for Malicious Manipulator. Or at least that's how I feel right now.

One thing I'm going to have to work on about myself, is not projecting my feelings onto other people (though it wasn't intentional at the time). I was probably pissed for whatever reason, so I just unwittingly passed those feelings on to someone else. Okay, let's be honest here, I was jealous. I WAS JEALOUS.

I didn't even think about it as it was happening but I still feel INCREDIBLY guilty, and I hope I haven't completely wrecked their relationship. On the other hand, (angry at him though I am) I still feel strangely proprietary, and I kind of hope I have.

I feel like if I have to go over there and look at him, I'm going to suffocate.

...

So I guess I'm opting out of this weekend.

....

I fucking miss Roger. And I want a fucking Oh Henry bar :(

Today's Lesson: Just because you like yourself, doesn't make you not an asshole.

Current Music: Viz by Le Tigre

Fuck My Life. Or Not. Whatever.

Sooo, telling that girl at work that I'm a virgin was obviously a HEINOUS mistake. Why am I so fucking stupid? And why is it such a big deal? And how [HOW???] does someone think they're doing an adequate of convincing you to have sex while telling you a) I'm pregnant and b) btw, this dude gave me chlamydia???

Maybe I'm a huge snob, but I've always believed that I was smarter than most of the people I met, whether that pertained to actual intelligence, or just being emotionally stable. But that whole conversation just reaffirmed it for me.

Yup. I'm a huge snob.

And I don't fucking care.

Today's Lesson: Just because you know you're not perfect, doesn't mean you can't love yourself.

Current Music: Bloody Sunday by U2

Nostalgia

I remember sleeping over at your house once. You were five and I was seven. I was wide awake and there you were next to me, peacefully sleeping with your thumb in your mouth. I remember sticking my thumb into my mouth, hoping it would help me fall asleep. It didn't, but it was salty and I guess that was nice.

It cracks me up when I think about the fact that you only stopped sucking your thumb a few years ago, and even more when I think about the fact that it was only a little before that that your mom threw your pacifier away.

I'll miss you, and I wish we were still friends like we used to be. I love you, and inspite of everything that's happened over the years, you were still my favorite person.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf...And Other Lies People Tell Themselves

Sometimes I think girls are like little lost puppies, wandering around, lonely and aimless, until some guy comes along, scoops us up and takes us home.

How depressing (and accurate) a thought is that?

Today's Lesson: Girls Suck, guys suck, life sucks.

Katharine Parr, The Smart One.

I love Katharine Parr, the sixth of Henry the VIII's wives. I consider her the most intelligent, logical and independent of the six. However, she could also be considered a prime example of how love turns people into idiots.

Enter Thomas Seymour. He was Jane Seymour (Henry's third wife)'s brother and after her death he stuck around and became one of the king's advisors.

Stupid thing One:
An inappropriate amount of time after Henry's death, Katharine married Thomas, and consequently lost her title as queen, which was (most likely) the foundation of his attraction to her.

Stupid Thing Two:
Almost immediately after their marriage, for the first time in her life, (rather astonishing if you think about the fact that she'd been married four times) she got pregnant. Around the same time she was carrying her daughter (future Mary Seymour), Thomas being the AMBITIOUS man that he was started making advances towards a fourteen year old Elizabeth (future Queen Elizabeth I), who'd been living with Katharine since after her father's death. To make a long story short, she eventually sent Elizabeth away, I suppose, not knowing what else to do.

Anyway, the point that I'm trying to make here is that number one, love turns people stark raving mad (which is why I'm not sure I want any part of it), and two, there are two types of women in the world: The Katharine Parrs and the Anne Boleyns. Logical and pragmatic, or impulsive and entirely controlled by their emotions (not that Anne wasn't intelligent) These tendencies will determine whether or not come you come out of life on your own terms (whatever those are), or you come out of life wherever your wayward emotions dumped you. Which would be, in Anne's case, in a hole with your head under your arm.

Since Masturbating All Day Is Not a Legitimate Form of Employment...

I got a job. I still have no idea how, since my resume sucks and all I remember of my interview is a rapid traumatic blur (in which I fidgeted and sweated profusely). So far, I love it!

I get along well with most of the girls... Well, all of them, but one in particular can be a mite moody, and must (like a volcano, or a cliff after a hurricane) be tiptoed around at all times. I love my customers, very cool for the most part, at worst some of them can be a little stand-offish. But it strikes me again and again how amazing most people are, and they don't even realize it.

On another note, I've suddenly noticed how vulnerable I am to subliminal peer pressure. For the past ten months my mother has been nagging me to get a job, and I have (albeit somewhat lazily) been searching for one. Then, fast forward to last month, my friends all have jobs, I feel left out, and BOOM, I've got one.

Example 2: A bunch of the girls at my work are going back to University soon, and I suddenly feel like a loser for not being in University. And now I want to be back in school, for something, for anything! Because working has plagued me with the sudden feeling that my life is going nowhere, and that needs to be remedied AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. 

I am WAAYY too smart and beautiful to end up a 30-year-old virgin, living with her mother. 

Current Music: Scenery by Blondie

Hair Envy v.2

I recently decided to stop bouncing around and take the Henna Plunge. For those of you that don't know, Henna is pretty much the equivalent of the Holy Grail of hair care for a black person. If you REALLY need more info, here's a link to CurlyNikki's website. She's pretty much the queen when it comes to natural hair, and I spend more time reading her blog than I do doing ANYTHING else (except maybe watching porn, but that's another issue for another day).

 

So here I am, on one of the hottest days recorded in Canadian history with (basically) hot, squishy, conditioning mud in my hair. Lovely. I've also been baby-ing my hair recently, because I've been noticing a lot more breakage than I usually get.

 

In other news, I'm tossing out the comb. My hair may be to delicate to handle it. I've been trolling MopTopMaven's blog for the longest time, and prior to washing her hair, she sprays a mix of conditioner and water on it, and starts combing it. I decided to try that. After seeing about two broken pieces of hair around the sink (for about half of my head, but whatevs, breakage is breakage) I panicked and decided to finger detangle. Can you say DREAM??

 

In the interest of baby-ing, I've worn my hair in twists all week (which I'm planning to do for awhile) only touching it to moisturize and seal. My hair despises twists! The ends tangle like crazy and the roots dread up(that's right people! DREADLOCKS) if I leave them alone for too long. But this time with just a little conditioner and my FINGERS my hair came apart like, like, like... I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!

 

And to my wide-tooth comb (or all seven of them): Screw you, dude! I'm free! HA! FREE, I TELL YOU!

 

SEE YOUR ASS THE NEXT TIME I DECIDE TO ROLLER SET!!! WOOHOO!

 

Now. Me and my mud-packed hair are off to watch...tv.

 

*coughcoughporncoughcough* 

 

And a little Hair Porn for the masses:

 

 

Mass Romantic Fools

Currently despising myself and my sexuality. Is it some phase that girls go through where they need to make a guy the center of their universe? Or are we stuck like this forever? Seriously.

I could sit here and bemoan the fact that I'm not a lesbian, but honestly it probably wouldn't make a difference.

A recurring theme that I'm seeing lately is girls randomly sleeping with guys. I don't understand why I have this need to tear apart people's actions analyzing them, but I guess my mind cannot comprehend doing something without a logical reason. Is there a simple biological need driving this? Or is it the dreaded "L- word Factor"?  Is every single girl I know sleeping with a guy who hasn't exhibited even the slightest hint of affection for her, doing it because she expects sex to make him love her? And if they are, why does that thought disgust me so much?

I know it doesn't work like that. And I thought that was common knowledge. I suspect the idea may be disturbing to me because, inspite of everything, I still believe that the actions of others dictate my actions.

Or maybe I've just been listening to too much Bikini Kill lately.

Today's Lesson: I am not smart enough or mature enough to be giving anyone advice.

All This and Nothing

Today's Lesson: Learning to let things go.

When I say "learning to let things go" I don't really mean things, I mean people. Learn to let people go. No matter how much you want someone to mean something for you, you have to remember that THEY control their actions not you. So when someone shows you that they don't care about you, whether they be boyfriend, friend or family member, let them go. Because somebody will.

Love.

I came across a copy of my third grade report card today while I was cleaning my war zone of a bedroom, and reading it gave me the strangest feeling. It feels like someone cut my heart open and every single thing I'm feeling and every single thing I've ever felt is just flowing in and out.

Remembering myself at that age is just...strange. I keep remembering that little girl and I feel so much for her, myself at that age. There's so much I wish I could go back and tell her. I want to tell her not worry about the future, or what people say because she'll grow up to beautiful and smart. I want to give her a little bit of the deferrence I've gained in the past few years. It's so weird to think about how much hasn't changed since then. I wish I could back and hug her and tell her all the things I've learned.

I think I love her more than I've ever loved anything or anyone, and more than anything I want her to have a good life. I want that little girl to grow up and be happy.

Crazy People: B-Day Post #1

Guess who messaged me today?? At 1 in the morning on my birthday. Really? ReaLLY?? REALLY??? You seriously messaged me today of all days? Ha! You must be fucking CRAZY if you think I'm talking to you again! Like batshit, out-of-your-goddamned-mind CRAZY. You know how long it took me to get away from you? If you ever knew me, you know that I can hold a grudge like nobody else. If I pass you on the street when we're THIRTY, and I even remember who you are, I will NOT be talking to you.

I don't know why people expect me to be in a more forgiving mood on my birthday. If anything, I'm more inclined to be a bitch. Have fun without me, babe. I know I won't be calling you on YOUR birthday.

Today's Lesson: Forgiveness: It's outdated, unnecessary, and often undeserved.



Music for Aubree

To see a world in a grain of sand,

And Heaven in a wild flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,

And Eternity in an hour

-Auguries of Innocence by William Blake

***

Ninja Penguins

As a post natal day celebration a few days ago, me and Tanu went shopping at...You guessed it! H&M! My second home!

...It just occurred to me that my second home USED to be the Book Store by my house. How the mighty have fallen.

...teehee.



Criminal Minds

Yeah, I seriously need to stop watching that (^) show. From now on, for the rest of my life, whenever I see a little kid, I'm going to think, "Gee, I hope that adorable little kid doesn't grow up to an insane serial killer!"

Thanks a buttload, CTV.

In other news, I'm going to be taking in a bunch of foster kids when I grow up, I need to be able to make someone else's life better at some point.

I've also been reading the book Laid by Shannon T. Boodram. So, I may review that later. I'm currently working my way through the chapter on rape. I haven't been able to read all of it (in the interest of not being mentally scarred) but what I did read, was nightmarish.

Today's Lesson: It never hurts to learn Judo. Just in case.



10 Things I Learned in High School; Part 1

Hi you guys! This post is inspired by Danielle from Sometimes Sweet's blog post '10 Things I Learned in My 20s' To anyone entering high school, or even in the middle of it, I hope this can help you :)

1. Find Good Friends:

And when I say good friends, I don't mean popular friends, I mean a good person (someone not easily swayed by petty high school politics) that you have a lot of important things in common with, that you know will be there for you. This is seriously the best thing you can do for yourself, because your friends will get you through high school alive! I've hung out with a lot of people that were not really my friends, and the only thing that they contributed to my high school experience was making me feel bad about myself, and landing me in situations that I did NOT want to be in.

Second part of this, if someone has proven to you that they do not want to be friends with you, either by dismissing your feelings, or by flaking out on you when you need them, then let them go. That person obviously does not care about you, and there are better people out there. I could have avoided so many negative experiences if I'd known this. People show their true colours early, don't dismiss or ignore what they show you. People only become MORE themselves as they get older. This goes doubly for guys.

2. Be Honest, But Nice:

I may place too much emphasis on this one because my first high school was an EXTREMELY oppressive environment, but this will serve you well no matter where you go to school: DO NOT LIE, you WILL get caught, and nobody trusts (or likes) a liar. This goes double if it's something barely significant, like where you got something. When someone asks your opinion about something (about anything really) be as nice as you can while being honest about how feel about it. This will serve you well in life as well. The first step to happiness in life (young though I may be) is being able to be honest with yourself, and other people.

Oh, and whatever you do, do NOT gossip about people, especially if it's to say something bad. They WILL find out, and the repercussions will NOT be pretty. Try to focus on your own life more than anyone else's.

3. Put Yourself First:

Do nothing out of guilt or a misplaced sense of obligation. We are too young to be doing ANYTHING because we feel like we should. This includes religious stuff, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, or having sex. If you have a second of doubt, or you don't think doing any of these things is going to benefit you in the long run, don't bother. It's probably not worth it.

16 and Pregnant taught me this. That show is like a physical portrayal of every one of my worst nightmares:

4. Do what YOU want to do.

And this applies with the small stuff, as well as with the big stuff. If you want to read manga, do it. If you want to wear pink all the time, or purple socks, do it. If you like giggling after every word, or speaking Na'vi, then do it! Don't stop doing what you like because some random person says it's weird or nerdy. Ninty percent of the people you'll meet in high school are gonna be losers, and it's usually the ones who think that they're cool. And everybody has some secret nerdy thing that they love.

5. Love Everybody, Until They've Given You a Reason Not To:

Never think badly of someone based on what someone else has said about them. Form your own opinions about everybody.

6. Know what you want out of a Relationship:

Most girls in high school and (somewhat sadly) out of it, place a lot of their self-worth in their ability to catch and keep a guy.(I wasn't really one of those) Sigh. If you can, try not to do this. I'm not so old that I could tell you (for sure) what you SHOULD be placing your self-worth in, but that shouldn't be it. Nevertheless, a lot of girls in high school spend an unnecessary amount of time pining away for a boyfriend. If you find yourself doing this, try to figure out why you are. Because honestly, there's nothing a guy can give you that you can't get yourself.



Hair Envy

I strongly suspect that one night, probably not too long from now, I will wake up to find my grandmother standing over me with a pair of gardening shears, fully prepared to take off every single inch of my hair that she can reach. Every time this woman enters the bathroom to see me doing ANYTHING at all with my hair, she makes some backhanded (obviously stemming from envy) comment. "Why are you so obsessed with your hair?!", "What is with black women and their hair?!" Blah, blah, blah. This time it was, "If you keep combing your hair all the time it's going to drop out!" My grandmother is bald. And every single one of those comments is usually followed by an enquiry about the products that I use on my hair.

Yeah, Grandma. After that, you can figure it out on your own.

...And on that note, I will be showing this week or this month's (I haven't decided yet) Hair Crush:

Chime <3

Hair envy!! Any normal person (no matter their race) would want her hair. And I definitely do! I'll be doing everything I can to get there. As of right now, the back and sides of my natural hair are just touching my shoulders, and my straightened hair, (which I'm not actually straighening, just stretching) is beginning to pass APL.

Currently, I don't have a specific hair regimen. I can give you guys the basic breakdown, but since I'm going to be trying something different very soon, it's not a final one.

Washing once a week with Kinky-Curly's Come Clean Shampoo

Conditioning once a week with Giovanni's Smooth as Silk Conditioner

Deep Conditioning with Giovanni's Smooth as Silk Conditioner mixed with Coconut Oil

and I hadn't really gotten the moisturizing and sealing thing down yet :( But I'm trying. I'm not really sure how often I should be doing it with natural hair, and what I should be using, but I'm working on it :)

I'm going to try co-washing every week(or twice a week), only shampooing once a month, and incorporating vegetable glycerin and Giovanni's Leave-in Conditoner into my regimen, and see how it goes :) I'm also looking for a protein-free deep conditioner.

I'll probably be doing a hair post once a week, and the hair crushes once a month :)

Good Luck on your Hair Journeys you guys!

  

Top: Blazer, H&M, Bodysuit, American Apparel, Jeans, Angel, Necklace, Stitches. Bottom: Prom Dress, Sirens (I think.) Pearls, Vintage.

The beginning of mine :)

Current Music: I Dream by Waldo's People (favorite song EVERRR)



Lamentations from a Former Friendship

Born Ruffians

Jan 30, 2010

I'm supposed to go hang out with my friends today and (once again) I'm late, just sitting here listening to Born Ruffians like I've got nothing to do. They're gonna pissed when I get there.

Sean is a total brainiac but a total asshole about it. He talks down to people a lot. Even me. Which I don't appreciate since I know for a fact that I'm smarter than he is. I talk about him like he's horrible and he kind of is( I think he may be something of a misogynist) but I still completely adore the guy. And he gives me piggie-back rides whenever I ask.

Matt somehow manages to be the most beautiful male in existence and he doesn't even know it. He's self-centered and whiny, but very perceptive and he has a way of saying exactly what you need to hear right when you need to hear it.

Brandon is my love. Completely amazing and not even aware of it. He's funny and sweet and totally adorable. My favorite one of the guys since he never gets moody like the other two.

Sasha is my second favorite person in the world(next to myself). I personally think that she is my soulmate. My best friend. Don't know what I'd do without her. I'd probably die.

Paige is the funniest most awesome person in the world. Probably also the most sexually open. Never stops talking about it. She makes everything more fun just by being there. If I had to describe her to someone who didn't know her I would say:guy trapped in the body of a girl in the body of a guy. Seriously, when I have a guy-related question I'm too embarassed to ask Matt, Sean or Brandon about, I ask her. 

Crap, now I'm really late.

***

Guess I didn't die.

Inspite of the obvious nostalgic themes in this post, I think that this experience was a good lesson in survival for me. If I can walk away from a person who was my best friend for six years without a backward glance, there is nothing I can't pull myself out of if I want to.

There may or may not be a few more posts like this. They won't all be so flattering. Trust me.

I think I need to get all the negativity and resentment I've harboured towards people out now so I can move into adulthood unhindered.


Current Music: In a Mirror by Born Ruffians

Chance

I want my life to be full of important things. The really important things. Things that make life worth living. I don't want to be one of those people who just passes the time, and passes the time until they get old and die. With more regrets than they had happiness.




I wish someone could answer all my questions.

Current Music: Sweet Nothing by The Velvet Underground

Baby Dragons. That is all.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is 3:40 am on this side of the planet, and as per usual, I can't sleep. I could go into detail about all the things that are bugging me, but I'm too tired. I've been having a series of extremely odd dreams lately. In fact, if I were a normal person, they could be considered nightmares.

It's windy outside tonight. Extremely windy. The snow is starting to melt after a long beautiful winter and I have to admit I'm kinda sad since I was actually loving it.

A couple of nights ago, I dreamt that I met this blond woman, older and kind of motherly, I travelled for a long time to see her (oddly enough, the journey began at my elementary school :?), and when I didn't want to leave her, she told me not to worry, that I would see her in six months. Weird, and a little creepy, but it was an amazing dream.

*Dragonflies are really Baby Dragons*

Rissa

Current Music: Help is on the Way by Rise Against

Biffles...

These are some pics that Tanu took of us at the mall. Sigh. At some point one of us is going to have to get an actual camera.



Calm Before the Storm?

Or are we in the eye of it?

Current Music: Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

The New Baby!

I thought I'd do my first outfit-of-the-day post in honour of my new.... LOOKBOOK ACCOUNT! This beautiful website is a testament to my personal belief that someone's personal style is self-expression just as much as any work of art <3

Today I went shopping with my BFFL, Tanu. Since we're both broke it wasn't much of a shopping trip, but we did enjoy pigging out in the food court! Behold the beautiful new baby I picked up at H&M(my favourite store along with American Apparel and Costa Blanca):

Lol, I ended up having to take this in the bathroom because my room is such a mess :(

Isn't she adorable?

When I got home I tried to take a few pics to create my first look, (which failed miserably), but this gorgeous new facebook profile picture came out of it.

(Cardigan, Costa Blanca; Top, H&M; Leggings, H&M; Bag, H&M, Cameo Necklace, Vintage) 

And some cameo-luv for you.



<3

Current Music: Bloody Sunday by U2

Time to Commit Mass Homicide and Call it a Day

I had decided that this blog was not going to be a place for more of the indiscriminate ranting that I do in real life, but you know what? Screw it!

I have never been pissed off at so many people at the same time in my life! Sasha, Roxanna, MOM, Roger, Brandon, and last but definitely not least, myself. How can one person manage to screw up so many different relationships in such a short span of life (which, honestly, probably won't last much longer if it goes on like this).

Sasha: You were a lousy friend, and a lousy person, and I'm not sorry that I disposed of you. What am I sorry about however, is the fact that I managed to lose all of my best friends in the process. I isolated myself as a courtesy to you, and what was left of our friendship, but I regret that I lost Sean, Brandon and Matt in the process.

Roxanna: I've probably spent more of our friendship despising you than I have liking you. I don't know what it is about your life that makes you so completely undependable, but for once I would like it if someone I consider one of my best friends could actually be around when I needed her. But you know what? Early in our friendship, I already knew what you were like, it's my fault for keeping you around.

Mom: There are so many small seemingly insignificant bad things in my life that have happened to me, that I feel like you could have effected or changed, and to me it seems like you never even tried. Before those things never really bothered me, but now, with the onset of adulthood, all the little things that bothered me about my childhood are rising like a tidal wave to drown me, and I can't talk to you about it. And I know that nothing you can say would change it.

Roger:  I don't even know what to put here. I probably liked you more than I've ever liked a guy in my life. I have no idea what people are talking about when they say they have a "connection" with someone. To me it just seems like stupid, pointless romantic slang. I don't understand why people can't just say what they mean, and I admired you, because I thought you always did. Thanks for bothering to let me know before you decided that you weren't going to talk to me anymore, I wish I knew what I'd done wrong.

Brandon: If you ever read this, I'm glad I know exactly what I did wrong with you, but I wish you'd asked me about it or given me a chance to explain. You didn't hear what you thought you did. I liked you a lot, and I never would have said anything to hurt you. The whole thing with you and me was kind of odd wasn't it? Almost an entire courtship carried out in a series of looks and gestures? I wish we'd been smart enough to say what we felt in the beginning, for a long time I've regretted not getting a chance to apologize to you, and I've always wondered what could have happened. But honestly, I spent the majority of the time I liked you feeling guilty because of Ksenia, so maybe that manifested itself in it's own way.

I want to apologize to all the people above, I obviously had a hand in where all of our relationships went wrong. I hope that my own social ineptitude doesn't keep me from being more successful with this kind of thing in the future.

Rissa



The Staff Robot is Really Annoying Me...

I've been home now for a few months, and when I'm not worrying about University next year or screwing up some recipe or another, I'm pretty bored. Now, Scotland is my dream. More than anything, I would love to be able to there for four years and just be able to exist on my own somewhere, away from my family and all their expectations and assumptions, and just be able to figure out who I am, and what I want to do.

My dad telling me that I couldn't go made me angrier than anything has in a long time. Mind you, he didn't saying that I can't go, he said that I couldn't go, implying that not only would I not be able to get into the university, but that even if I did, there's no way I would be able to survive there on my own. There's wasn't even any implication,(my father's not that tactful) he basically told me that he thinks I'm stupid and irresponsible. There's no other way to say this: I hate him.

It just proves that he doesn't know me at all. Or that his faith in female gender has been so completely obliterated, that he won't even entertain the notion that one of us might be capable of something besides being physically attractive. I've always accepted that he is the way he is.

I really wanted to yell at him. I don't know if it's the fact that he's barely around that makes me want to be amicable when he is, but I've never raised my voice to him or even been really angry at him(just hurt). After I talked to him, I desperately wanted someone to say something to make me feel better about it, because I felt pretty well stomped all over afterwards. As usual, my mom failed at the task(I don't think she noticed how upset I was). Weirdly enough, what my grandmother (who fervently dislikes me) said actually made me feel better. She said that he was crazy to think that he'd been around enough to pass adaquate judgement on me. It wasn't much, but it got the imp sitting on my throat off.

But I'm still angry at him. All I really want out of life is to be able to look back on it 60 years from now and think that it was worth living. I want to be able to do everything I want to do and be happy at them, and maybe this sounds childish, but I don't see why I shouldn't be able to.

Maybe the real reason I'm angry with him is because he voiced everything that I've been worrying about. But who cares? None of those things mean that I'm not going to try. Maybe I'm worried but I know who I am, I know that I'm smart. And I'm 19, why should I have to be responsible? I don't have to perfect! I'm barely even an adult!

I'm going to learn what I need to through trial and error, just like everybody else.  And that is ALL that can be expected of me.



The Therapeutic Qualities of Revenge

I'm sure no one ever clawed up Queen Victoria's leg. Except maybe John Conroy. Hmm. Oh well, I suppose everyone has to have a nemesis.

Posts from Yesteryear...

Since I'm being plagued by a rare bout of writer's block and a not so rare bout of laziness, I decided to start posting some random old stuff that I've written....

Behold...
Bad Romance: The Un-Love (circa February 11th, 2010)

So today I endured a level of suffering I hope to never exceed barring childbirth(and maybe not even that). The ultimate high school horror: The school dance. I consider myself way too non-conformist to EVER be caught dead at one of these things.

Unfortunately for me, I have friends. And one of them has the extremely outdated idea that Valentine's Day (My friend Jules calls it Single Awareness Day)dances are fun: Robyn. And since me and Siuthyn made her see The Lovely Bones, we had to go with her. I will never forgive her for the two and a half hours I spent awkwardly pretending to dance, listening to music that I hate, and watching skanky tenth-grade girls grinding with their "boyfriends".

Oh, and then, about halfway through that horrendous excuse for a school event, all the guys formed this huge circle around all the girls, and just stood there leering at us like starving men staring at food. It was maybe the creepiest thing I've ever witnessed. Even that I could have dealt with for another few hours, but then they started playing some stupid Miley Cyrus song and THAT was where I drew the line. I grabbed Siuthyn, walked off the dancefloor, went to my locker and went home.

I'm mostly just happy to have survived it, and angry that I wasted two and a half hours of my life in the middle that Valentine's Day Creep Show. Unless Robyn gives both me and Siuthyn back our five bucks I don't think either of us we'll be talking to her ever again. At least not until the residual trauma has worked it's way out of both of our systems.