I've been home now for a few months, and when I'm not worrying about University next year or screwing up some recipe or another, I'm pretty bored. Now, Scotland is my dream. More than anything, I would love to be able to there for four years and just be able to exist on my own somewhere, away from my family and all their expectations and assumptions, and just be able to figure out who I am, and what I want to do.
My dad telling me that I couldn't go made me angrier than anything has in a long time. Mind you, he didn't saying that I can't go, he said that I couldn't go, implying that not only would I not be able to get into the university, but that even if I did, there's no way I would be able to survive there on my own. There's wasn't even any implication,(my father's not that tactful) he basically told me that he thinks I'm stupid and irresponsible. There's no other way to say this: I hate him.
It just proves that he doesn't know me at all. Or that his faith in female gender has been so completely obliterated, that he won't even entertain the notion that one of us might be capable of something besides being physically attractive. I've always accepted that he is the way he is.
I really wanted to yell at him. I don't know if it's the fact that he's barely around that makes me want to be amicable when he is, but I've never raised my voice to him or even been really angry at him(just hurt). After I talked to him, I desperately wanted someone to say something to make me feel better about it, because I felt pretty well stomped all over afterwards. As usual, my mom failed at the task(I don't think she noticed how upset I was). Weirdly enough, what my grandmother (who fervently dislikes me) said actually made me feel better. She said that he was crazy to think that he'd been around enough to pass adaquate judgement on me. It wasn't much, but it got the imp sitting on my throat off.
But I'm still angry at him. All I really want out of life is to be able to look back on it 60 years from now and think that it was worth living. I want to be able to do everything I want to do and be happy at them, and maybe this sounds childish, but I don't see why I shouldn't be able to.
Maybe the real reason I'm angry with him is because he voiced everything that I've been worrying about. But who cares? None of those things mean that I'm not going to try. Maybe I'm worried but I know who I am, I know that I'm smart. And I'm 19, why should I have to be responsible? I don't have to perfect! I'm barely even an adult!
I'm going to learn what I need to through trial and error, just like everybody else. And that is ALL that can be expected of me.
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