Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Staff Robot is Really Annoying Me...

I've been home now for a few months, and when I'm not worrying about University next year or screwing up some recipe or another, I'm pretty bored. Now, Scotland is my dream. More than anything, I would love to be able to there for four years and just be able to exist on my own somewhere, away from my family and all their expectations and assumptions, and just be able to figure out who I am, and what I want to do.

My dad telling me that I couldn't go made me angrier than anything has in a long time. Mind you, he didn't saying that I can't go, he said that I couldn't go, implying that not only would I not be able to get into the university, but that even if I did, there's no way I would be able to survive there on my own. There's wasn't even any implication,(my father's not that tactful) he basically told me that he thinks I'm stupid and irresponsible. There's no other way to say this: I hate him.

It just proves that he doesn't know me at all. Or that his faith in female gender has been so completely obliterated, that he won't even entertain the notion that one of us might be capable of something besides being physically attractive. I've always accepted that he is the way he is.

I really wanted to yell at him. I don't know if it's the fact that he's barely around that makes me want to be amicable when he is, but I've never raised my voice to him or even been really angry at him(just hurt). After I talked to him, I desperately wanted someone to say something to make me feel better about it, because I felt pretty well stomped all over afterwards. As usual, my mom failed at the task(I don't think she noticed how upset I was). Weirdly enough, what my grandmother (who fervently dislikes me) said actually made me feel better. She said that he was crazy to think that he'd been around enough to pass adaquate judgement on me. It wasn't much, but it got the imp sitting on my throat off.

But I'm still angry at him. All I really want out of life is to be able to look back on it 60 years from now and think that it was worth living. I want to be able to do everything I want to do and be happy at them, and maybe this sounds childish, but I don't see why I shouldn't be able to.

Maybe the real reason I'm angry with him is because he voiced everything that I've been worrying about. But who cares? None of those things mean that I'm not going to try. Maybe I'm worried but I know who I am, I know that I'm smart. And I'm 19, why should I have to be responsible? I don't have to perfect! I'm barely even an adult!

I'm going to learn what I need to through trial and error, just like everybody else.  And that is ALL that can be expected of me.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Therapeutic Qualities of Revenge

I'm sure no one ever clawed up Queen Victoria's leg. Except maybe John Conroy. Hmm. Oh well, I suppose everyone has to have a nemesis.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Posts from Yesteryear...

Since I'm being plagued by a rare bout of writer's block and a not so rare bout of laziness, I decided to start posting some random old stuff that I've written....

Bad Romance: The Un-Love (circa February 11th, 2010)

So today I endured a level of suffering I hope to never exceed barring childbirth(and maybe not even that). The ultimate high school horror: The school dance. I consider myself way too non-conformist to EVER be caught dead at one of these things.

Unfortunately for me, I have friends. And one of them has the extremely outdated idea that Valentine's Day (My friend Jules calls it Single Awareness Day)dances are fun: Robyn. And since me and Siuthyn made her see The Lovely Bones, we had to go with her. I will never forgive her for the two and a half hours I spent awkwardly pretending to dance, listening to music that I hate, and watching skanky tenth-grade girls grinding with their "boyfriends".

Oh, and then, about halfway through that horrendous excuse for a school event, all the guys formed this huge circle around all the girls, and just stood there leering at us like starving men staring at food. It was maybe the creepiest thing I've ever witnessed. Even that I could have dealt with for another few hours, but then they started playing some stupid Miley Cyrus song and THAT was where I drew the line. I grabbed Siuthyn, walked off the dancefloor, went to my locker and went home.

I'm mostly just happy to have survived it, and angry that I wasted two and a half hours of my life in the middle that Valentine's Day Creep Show. Unless Robyn gives both me and Siuthyn back our five bucks I don't think either of us we'll be talking to her ever again. At least not until the residual trauma has worked it's way out of both of our systems.

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