I need to go shopping. I need it like I need to breathe, or eat, or have sex (the fact that I haven't yet notwithstanding). I walked into an H&M the other day with my friend and saw this GORGEOUS pair of tan loafers with a wooden heel, and I just DROOLED (while I tried them on). They sound gross, but I have no doubt that they'll continue to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen until I give birth to my first child.
I'm hovering between two equally negative sequences of emotion right now. One just as destructive as the other. It's like someone stole my ipod... Again.
On the one hand, you kind of want tocurl up into a little ball and lose yourself to your despair, but the rational part of you won't let you, you have to take a deep breath, get up and walk around, and compose yourself like a normal person. You can't show anyone that you're two steps away from having a mental breakdown.
But maybe I deserve this. I feel like this is the karmic backlash for me being such a self-centered, sex-obsessed little bitch all the time.
Urgh, so this is one more unconscionable, unchangeable thing in my life that I'll have to pretend is fine. Nay, awesome.
But it's more than this, it's what it represents that gets to me. My own perceived inadequacy. People always say that no one can love you, unless you love yourself. And I do. But what use is loving yourself, if the people you want to love you, won't.
On an unrelated brightside, I've been having nightmares nonstop for the past few days. In most of my nightmares there's a graveyard that I can't escape from (once I dreamt that I was literally digging my own grave), but last night, for the first time in my life, I actually avoided walking INTO the graveyard in the first place.
Silly for me to place so much stock in my dreams, but maybe in some small way, this is a good thing?
It's not even funny how much I NEED to get out of here.
Today's Lesson: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Of course, this could all just be me being a big baby about my hurt pride...
Yeah, probably. Current Music: I Have the Touch by Heather Nova
So it turns out that my initials (MM) not only stand for my name, they also stand for Malicious Manipulator. Or at least that's how I feel right now.
One thing I'm going to have to work on about myself, is not projecting my feelings onto other people (though it wasn't intentional at the time). I was probably pissed for whatever reason, so I just unwittingly passed those feelings on to someone else. Okay, let's be honest here, I was jealous. I WAS JEALOUS.
I didn't even think about it as it was happening but I still feel INCREDIBLY guilty, and I hope I haven't completely wrecked their relationship. On the other hand, (angry at him though I am) I still feel strangely proprietary, and I kind of hope I have.
I feel like if I have to go over there and look at him, I'm going to suffocate.
So I guess I'm opting out of this weekend.
I fucking miss Roger. And I want a fucking Oh Henry bar :(
Today's Lesson: Just because you like yourself, doesn't make you not an asshole.