I seriously think I lack the emotional maturity to be able to watch this stuff without getting depressed. I just want the stories to end well for the characters so badly because NOTHING ever ends well in real life.
It's seriously depressing me so much that the only thing that still has me watching it, is this all-encompassing desire to strip Lee Min Ho naked and lick every inch of him that I can reach...
I remember (like a million and a half years ago) reading this manga called Maison Ikkoku. After like, three years of writing it, you could totally tell that the author (Rumiko Takahashi) was sick to death of complicating the lives of her characters, so near the end of the story there's this part where the main female character figuratively throws up her hands and is just like "Fuck it! I don't know what the hell else to do! I don't know how to fix whatever's wrong with us, so screw the sentimental shit, let's just have sex!"
Yeah, she didn't really say that....At all. But that's how interpreted it.
Anyway, I just wish life was as simple as just throwing up your hands, and being like, I give up, it'll all work out somehow. But it just keeps on coming doesn't it? No matter how simple you make your life, there will always be some douchebag to come along and complicate things. Those are the times when I wish I was the only person in the world. Everybody else is just interrupting my peace and getting in my way. I doubt I would even get lonely.
The point that I'm trying to make with this random half-assed post, is that there are only certain parts of your life that you can work on, everything else just has to work itself out. Emotions make things complicated, people make things complicated, and unfortunately human beings lack the ability switch our emotions on and off at will (when are going to evolve THAT trait, huh??).
In other words: I hate us, life sucks, and I'm shutting everything down (feelings and everything associated with them) until I've got everything I want sorted out. Holy shit, I'm going to be a virgin for a long fucking time. Meh, I'm probably not missing much.
I am sometimes shocked by how utterly selfish you are. You force me to live with a woman who abuses me, disrespects me, and generally makes me feel bad about myself for twenty years, simply because of your own tired cultural ideas of sticking by family. You are never even around to experience it to the same level I do because you are at work during the day. You don't allow me to vent about my feelings when it's necessary, yet whenever YOU get upset with her, you yell at me, or blame me for it, and I'm expected to deal with it.
Not only do you allow your mother to get away with all this, but you allow her to tell other people how "disrespectful" I am to her, even to the point where our family members feel the need to constantly confront me about my supposed behaviour towards her. When the reality is that if I am home when she is, I stay inside my room, to the point of starving myself for days at a time to avoid having to listen to her scream at me!
After all of this, you have the NERVE to try and force me to do things for her, when all of this is YOUR FAULT in the first place, just like everything else, you try and make me feel GUILTY for not wanting to take whatever treatment your ABUSIVE SADISTIC TYRANT OF A MOTHER decides to dish out!
I hate both of you. The fact that I'm related to either of you makes me want to swallow gasoline and scorch myself from the inside out until there's nothing left.
Crazy Thing 1: When I was in sixth grade, one of my friends told me that she saw an episode of Dr. Phil that recommended snapping an elastic band on your wrist to help yourself stop swearing. Now, 20 years old, and thinking that I needed to get over someone ASAP, I got an elastic band (one of those huge ones they use for produce at grocery stores) and every single time I entertain a romantic thought about him, I snap it. HARD.
I'm hovering between two equally negative sequences of emotion right now. One just as destructive as the other. It's like someone stole my ipod... Again.
On the one hand, you kind of want tocurl up into a little ball and lose yourself to your despair, but the rational part of you won't let you, you have to take a deep breath, get up and walk around, and compose yourself like a normal person. You can't show anyone that you're two steps away from having a mental breakdown.
But maybe I deserve this. I feel like this is the karmic backlash for me being such a self-centered, sex-obsessed little bitch all the time.
Urgh, so this is one more unconscionable, unchangeable thing in my life that I'll have to pretend is fine. Nay, awesome.
But it's more than this, it's what it represents that gets to me. My own perceived inadequacy. People always say that no one can love you, unless you love yourself. And I do. But what use is loving yourself, if the people you want to love you, won't.
On an unrelated brightside, I've been having nightmares nonstop for the past few days. In most of my nightmares there's a graveyard that I can't escape from (once I dreamt that I was literally digging my own grave), but last night, for the first time in my life, I actually avoided walking INTO the graveyard in the first place.
Silly for me to place so much stock in my dreams, but maybe in some small way, this is a good thing?
It's not even funny how much I NEED to get out of here.
Today's Lesson: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Of course, this could all just be me being a big baby about my hurt pride...
Yeah, probably. Current Music: I Have the Touch by Heather Nova
So it turns out that my initials (MM) not only stand for my name, they also stand for Malicious Manipulator. Or at least that's how I feel right now.
One thing I'm going to have to work on about myself, is not projecting my feelings onto other people (though it wasn't intentional at the time). I was probably pissed for whatever reason, so I just unwittingly passed those feelings on to someone else. Okay, let's be honest here, I was jealous. I WAS JEALOUS.
I didn't even think about it as it was happening but I still feel INCREDIBLY guilty, and I hope I haven't completely wrecked their relationship. On the other hand, (angry at him though I am) I still feel strangely proprietary, and I kind of hope I have.
I feel like if I have to go over there and look at him, I'm going to suffocate.
...
So I guess I'm opting out of this weekend.
....
I fucking miss Roger. And I want a fucking Oh Henry bar :(
Today's Lesson: Just because you like yourself, doesn't make you not an asshole.
Sooo, telling that girl at work that I'm a virgin was obviously a HEINOUS mistake. Why am I so fucking stupid? And why is it such a big deal? And how [HOW???] does someone think they're doing an adequate of convincing you to have sex while telling you a) I'm pregnant and b) btw, this dude gave me chlamydia???
Maybe I'm a huge snob, but I've always believed that I was smarter than most of the people I met, whether that pertained to actual intelligence, or just being emotionally stable. But that whole conversation just reaffirmed it for me.
Yup. I'm a huge snob.
And I don't fucking care.
Today's Lesson: Just because you know you're not perfect, doesn't mean you can't love yourself.
I had decided that this blog was not going to be a place for more of the indiscriminate ranting that I do in real life, but you know what? Screw it!
I have never been pissed off at so many people at the same time in my life! Sasha, Roxanna, MOM, Roger, Brandon, and last but definitely not least, myself. How can one person manage to screw up so many different relationships in such a short span of life (which, honestly, probably won't last much longer if it goes on like this).
Sasha: You were a lousy friend, and a lousy person, and I'm not sorry that I disposed of you. What am I sorry about however, is the fact that I managed to lose all of my best friends in the process. I isolated myself as a courtesy to you, and what was left of our friendship, but I regret that I lost Sean, Brandon and Matt in the process.
Roxanna: I've probably spent more of our friendship despising you than I have liking you. I don't know what it is about your life that makes you so completely undependable, but for once I would like it if someone I consider one of my best friends could actually be around when I needed her. But you know what? Early in our friendship, I already knew what you were like, it's my fault for keeping you around.
Mom: There are so many small seemingly insignificant bad things in my life that have happened to me, that I feel like you could have effected or changed, and to me it seems like you never even tried. Before those things never really bothered me, but now, with the onset of adulthood, all the little things that bothered me about my childhood are rising like a tidal wave to drown me, and I can't talk to you about it. And I know that nothing you can say would change it.
Roger: I don't even know what to put here. I probably liked you more than I've ever liked a guy in my life. I have no idea what people are talking about when they say they have a "connection" with someone. To me it just seems like stupid, pointless romantic slang. I don't understand why people can't just say what they mean, and I admired you, because I thought you always did. Thanks for bothering to let me know before you decided that you weren't going to talk to me anymore, I wish I knew what I'd done wrong.
Brandon: If you ever read this, I'm glad I know exactly what I did wrong with you, but I wish you'd asked me about it or given me a chance to explain. You didn't hear what you thought you did. I liked you a lot, and I never would have said anything to hurt you. The whole thing with you and me was kind of odd wasn't it? Almost an entire courtship carried out in a series of looks and gestures? I wish we'd been smart enough to say what we felt in the beginning, for a long time I've regretted not getting a chance to apologize to you, and I've always wondered what could have happened. But honestly, I spent the majority of the time I liked you feeling guilty because of Ksenia, so maybe that manifested itself in it's own way.
I want to apologize to all the people above, I obviously had a hand in where all of our relationships went wrong. I hope that my own social ineptitude doesn't keep me from being more successful with this kind of thing in the future.
