Bury Me Before I Start To Smell.

For twenty-two years I've been speaking. No one has listened. For twenty-two years I've been forced to endure and endure and endure, never allowed to express my anger, or sadness, or hurt. People have been allowed to scratch me, and punch me, and throw things at me. And nobody has stopped them.

And not only that, but the perpetrator of my abuse has been allowed to debase me constantly to others, to such a degree that people have had the nerve to reprimand ME for "maltreating" THEM. Nobody has defended me, or spoken up for me, or attempted to restore my name.

Maybe my time is over. Maybe this twenty second year is special. Maybe twenty-two is where my story ends.

Maybe it will be less complicated without me. They can keep pretending that you're a good person, and I won't be around to tell them otherwise.

I should stop expecting you to save me. I have a picture in my mind sometimes, of me slashing my wrists, and you showing up just in time. But you've never done that. You've never saved me. Never protected me. Why would you change now??

You won't. None of you will. Days will go by, while I slowly bleed my life away and go cold in bed. Someone will call me. Try to shake my shoulder. I won't move, they'll call for help. How could you not know, they'll ask? You'll make your excuses, all the while knowing that they're not true.

And I'll be gone.

I hope you miss me. I hope you regret ignoring me when you should have listened. You chose who was most important to you. I hope you'll be happy with her.

And I hope you never have another child. You were lucky with me. You won't be again.

You assholes had better remember that I wanted to be cremated.

To A Friend: Part 1

Sasha. I remember how shy and quiet you were when I first met you, and how I had to stand up for you a lot that first year, and I'm incredibly proud to have been the person to help you come out of your shell. You didn't know it then, but you helped protect me just as much as I helped protect you. You were there for me when I was going through a really difficult time and your friendship was invaluable to me. I can sincerely say you helped me become who I am today. I did then and still feel that you understand me better than anyone else. Though we are both vastly different people now than we were when we were fourteen, I can still call you whenever I'm sad or angry, and you always know just what to say to make me feel better. I love you Sasha Blackella.

Kristy, you are wild and a little crazy, and absolutely everything I love about the world and life in general. You are unabashedly honest in your feelings and in your interactions with people, and you have no idea how incredibly special and rare that is, and how much I admire that in you, and how inspiring it is. You ALWAYS reach for what you want, no matter what anybody says, without fear, without shame, and without apology. I often feel like I get caught up in trying to please others and forget my own needs and desires (in my insurmountable need to always be perfect), and you are a constant aspiration for me, even when your honesty causes chaos. I love you, Kris!

Tanu. Having been the third in mine and Sasha's group for so long, I still feel like we're incomplete whenever you're not there. You and I were each other's crutch for almost a year, and I feel like we built an unbreakable bond during that time, and you are an irreplaceable friend to me. You are best friend to the girliest, most spoiled, bratty and indulgent part of me, and you have no idea how lonely that part of me was until you came along. I've never had a friend I could just shop with, eat with, and  talk trash with. You accept even the crappiest, most mean, petty parts of me and you never make me feel guilty or like a bad person for them. I love you, Nuu!

Note: I originally posted this to my facebook, and I just felt the need to immortalize these positive feelings somewhere. I might write about some of my other friends and family members later, even some of the ones I'm not close with anymore. I often use this blog as a place to vent negative emotion, but I think I need to remind myself of the positive aspects of some of my relationships, even the ones that are no longer in existence.

Current Listening: Closer by Nine Inch Nails (hilariously...) 

Are There Pills For This?

Lately, I feel very restless and uncomfortable all time. I feel kind of like I'm standing on constantly shifting, uneven ground, and I'm getting motion sickness. I also feel like silk netting is the only thing holding my sanity together, and it's being stretched to it's limit, two seconds from giving out.

I need a nap. 

Korean Drama

I seriously think I lack the emotional maturity to be able to watch this stuff without getting depressed. I just want the stories to end well for the characters so badly because NOTHING ever ends well in real life.

It's seriously depressing me so much that the only thing that still has me watching it, is this all-encompassing desire to strip Lee Min Ho naked and lick every inch of him that I can reach...

Love and Stupidity

I remember (like a million and a half years ago) reading this manga called Maison Ikkoku. After like, three years of writing it, you could totally tell that the author (Rumiko Takahashi) was sick to death of complicating the lives of her characters, so near the end of the story there's this part where the main female character figuratively throws up her hands and is just like "Fuck it! I don't know what the hell else to do! I don't know how to fix whatever's wrong with us, so screw the sentimental shit, let's just have sex!"

Yeah, she didn't really say that....At all. But that's how interpreted it.

Anyway, I just wish life was as simple as just throwing up your hands, and being like, I give up, it'll all work out somehow. But it just keeps on coming doesn't it? No matter how simple you make your life, there will always be some douchebag to come along and complicate things. Those are the times when I wish I was the only person in the world. Everybody else is just interrupting my peace and getting in my way. I doubt I would even get lonely.

The point that I'm trying to make with this random half-assed post, is that there are only certain parts of your life that you can work on, everything else just has to work itself out. Emotions make things complicated, people make things complicated, and unfortunately human beings lack the ability switch our emotions on and off at will (when are going to evolve THAT trait, huh??).

In other words: I hate us, life sucks, and I'm shutting everything down (feelings and everything associated with them) until I've got everything I want sorted out.  Holy shit, I'm going to be a virgin for a long fucking time. Meh, I'm probably not missing much.

Letter From a Furiously Distraught Daughter

Dear Mother,

I am sometimes shocked by how utterly selfish you are. You force me to live with a woman who abuses me, disrespects me, and generally makes me feel bad about myself for twenty years, simply because of your own tired cultural ideas of sticking by family. You are never even around to experience it to the same level I do because you are at work during the day. You don't allow me to vent about my feelings when it's necessary, yet whenever YOU get upset with her, you yell at me, or blame me for it, and I'm expected to deal with it. 

Not only do you allow your mother to get away with all this, but you allow her to tell other people how "disrespectful" I am to her, even to the point where our family members feel the need to constantly confront me about my supposed behaviour towards her. When the reality is that if I am home when she is, I stay inside my room, to the point of starving myself for days at a time to avoid having to listen to her scream at me!

After all of this, you have the NERVE to try and force me to do things for her, when all of this is YOUR FAULT in the first place, just like everything else, you try and make me feel GUILTY for not wanting to take whatever treatment your ABUSIVE SADISTIC TYRANT OF A MOTHER decides to dish out!

I hate both of you. The fact that I'm related to either of you makes me want to swallow gasoline and scorch myself from the inside out until there's nothing left.

Sincerely, 

That Thing You Should Have Aborted.

What's In a Family?

One thing I've realized about myself lately is that the way I see (and think about) a family is drastically different from the way most people do. The way most people see a family, is as their support system, the people who will be there for them, and love them no matter what.

The way I see a family, is as an obligation. The people who'll be giving me responsibilities, and demanding things of me that I don't want, and don't have to give. I don't know if that's a sign of your Oh So Lovely contribution to my psychiatric health Daddy Dearest, but it's thoughts like these that make me not want to have a family, not want to make friends, and not want want to meet new people.Your continued existence is a constant reminder to me that love in the end, is just not worth the effort.

See Daddy? I am like you.