Mass Romantic Fools

Currently despising myself and my sexuality. Is it some phase that girls go through where they need to make a guy the center of their universe? Or are we stuck like this forever? Seriously.

I could sit here and bemoan the fact that I'm not a lesbian, but honestly it probably wouldn't make a difference.

A recurring theme that I'm seeing lately is girls randomly sleeping with guys. I don't understand why I have this need to tear apart people's actions analyzing them, but I guess my mind cannot comprehend doing something without a logical reason. Is there a simple biological need driving this? Or is it the dreaded "L- word Factor"?  Is every single girl I know sleeping with a guy who hasn't exhibited even the slightest hint of affection for her, doing it because she expects sex to make him love her? And if they are, why does that thought disgust me so much?

I know it doesn't work like that. And I thought that was common knowledge. I suspect the idea may be disturbing to me because, inspite of everything, I still believe that the actions of others dictate my actions.

Or maybe I've just been listening to too much Bikini Kill lately.

Today's Lesson: I am not smart enough or mature enough to be giving anyone advice.

All This and Nothing

Today's Lesson: Learning to let things go.

When I say "learning to let things go" I don't really mean things, I mean people. Learn to let people go. No matter how much you want someone to mean something for you, you have to remember that THEY control their actions not you. So when someone shows you that they don't care about you, whether they be boyfriend, friend or family member, let them go. Because somebody will.

Love.

I came across a copy of my third grade report card today while I was cleaning my war zone of a bedroom, and reading it gave me the strangest feeling. It feels like someone cut my heart open and every single thing I'm feeling and every single thing I've ever felt is just flowing in and out.

Remembering myself at that age is just...strange. I keep remembering that little girl and I feel so much for her, myself at that age. There's so much I wish I could go back and tell her. I want to tell her not worry about the future, or what people say because she'll grow up to beautiful and smart. I want to give her a little bit of the deferrence I've gained in the past few years. It's so weird to think about how much hasn't changed since then. I wish I could back and hug her and tell her all the things I've learned.

I think I love her more than I've ever loved anything or anyone, and more than anything I want her to have a good life. I want that little girl to grow up and be happy.

Crazy People: B-Day Post #1

Guess who messaged me today?? At 1 in the morning on my birthday. Really? ReaLLY?? REALLY??? You seriously messaged me today of all days? Ha! You must be fucking CRAZY if you think I'm talking to you again! Like batshit, out-of-your-goddamned-mind CRAZY. You know how long it took me to get away from you? If you ever knew me, you know that I can hold a grudge like nobody else. If I pass you on the street when we're THIRTY, and I even remember who you are, I will NOT be talking to you.

I don't know why people expect me to be in a more forgiving mood on my birthday. If anything, I'm more inclined to be a bitch. Have fun without me, babe. I know I won't be calling you on YOUR birthday.

Today's Lesson: Forgiveness: It's outdated, unnecessary, and often undeserved.



Music for Aubree

To see a world in a grain of sand,

And Heaven in a wild flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,

And Eternity in an hour

-Auguries of Innocence by William Blake

***

Ninja Penguins

As a post natal day celebration a few days ago, me and Tanu went shopping at...You guessed it! H&M! My second home!

...It just occurred to me that my second home USED to be the Book Store by my house. How the mighty have fallen.

...teehee.



Criminal Minds

Yeah, I seriously need to stop watching that (^) show. From now on, for the rest of my life, whenever I see a little kid, I'm going to think, "Gee, I hope that adorable little kid doesn't grow up to an insane serial killer!"

Thanks a buttload, CTV.

In other news, I'm going to be taking in a bunch of foster kids when I grow up, I need to be able to make someone else's life better at some point.

I've also been reading the book Laid by Shannon T. Boodram. So, I may review that later. I'm currently working my way through the chapter on rape. I haven't been able to read all of it (in the interest of not being mentally scarred) but what I did read, was nightmarish.

Today's Lesson: It never hurts to learn Judo. Just in case.